easy, sleazy, lure and seizey.

I realize that I haven't written in damn near forever. There isn't much to catch up on, however, the petite amount of information that there is to be told is slightly major. To me, anyhow.
So, Christmas passed. It seems as if I didn't get much, which I actually prefer. However, though few, the gifts I received were immensely expensive.
The day after, I decided to go to a local mall with two of my closest friends, Sven and Lilith. {alter egos used.}
Sven has been written about once before. Before continuing, I advise you read the post titled "i love you, i hate you." {posted on December 17th, 2008.}

What I left out from that last post was my slight, girly obsession with him. I, being a sophomore, have been drooling over this boy since I saw him my first day of freshman year.
Months ago, long before he told me he loved me, he found out how much I liked him, thanks to my uncontrollable instinct to blush around him.
Recently he approached me, stood inches from my face with this charming, devious smile, and said, "When are you going to stop staring at my lips... and kiss me."
Being the submissive person that I am, I of course did nothing. Leaving him to decide what happened.

Moving on...

So here I am, with Sven and Lilith the day after Christmas, walking around a local mall. Sven, being the seductive little flirt that he is, grabs my hand, entwining our fingers in the sweetest way, and smiles at me so gently. As we roam the mall, he pesters me about kissing him.
"If you don't do it, I will," he giggles, "and we both know if I do, your sister will kill me."
{My family hates Sven. I am forbidden to date him}
I simply smile at him and blush, unsure of what to do.
As we exit a bookstore, Sven tugs on my hand, pulling me to him, my face to his, his lips to mine. He kisses me ever-so-softly on the lips with the lightest peck, painting my face scarlet. He pulls away and smiles, and proceeds to walk. As my mind tries to process what happened, my heart reacts much quicker. I tug on his hand, pulling him to me, his face to mine, my lips to his. I kiss him back. A real kiss. A kiss that would make a bashful peck hang its head in shame.
The taste of cigarettes and honey soothe my once panicked, self-conscious thoughts. I pull away, my face now a light rosy pink, and look at him with upturned, hopeful eyes and the smile of a dreamer lost at bay. The look anyone would interpret as 'falling for someone.'
He sighs, raises his eyebrows, huffs, and gives me this sarcastic, disappointed smile before proceeding to walk. I return home, replaying the entire scene in my head, worrying about what I did wrong.
I don't hear from him that whole weekend.
He calls and texts that Monday{the 29th}, only to tell me of his new snakebite piercings. I don't talk much, because I'm afraid of saying something stupid.
He texts me the 30th, early that morning. After a long conversation, I tell him I miss him. No reply.
Later that day, I strike up a conversation with his best friend. In this conversation I am told that Sven is a terrible person who is only messing with my head. He tells me he loves me, and tells his friends the opposite. Near tears, I go and hang out with a group of friends, giving uncontrollable gah-gah eyes to the adorable Led Zeppelin fan.
The more I think about Sven, the more I question his intentions. Does he tell me he loves me because he means it, or because he's simply trying to get laid?
And if he's simply trying to get laid, I wonder, what makes him think that the celibate virgin is so easy?
And when that comes to mind, the remembrance of that kiss follows, and I realize why.
I was so quick to give the man a kiss, he obviously would assume I would be quick to give my virginity as well...
I feel so used... Like scum... Lower than low... The vermin of the world.
This guy is destroying me... Seizing my heart only to chew it up and spit it out.
I'm such an idiot...